Keep Trying

You’re the caller on the crisis line asking for the best way out. Is it by drinking bleach? By crashing your car into a tree? The lady doesn’t know what to say. After a 30 second pause, she tells you in a calm manner, “No. You can’t do that.”

You tell her you can. You tell her you want to come over there and choke her with the phone cord. She’s not helping anyone. She only does this to feel like she’s making a difference. But she’s a part of the problem. She hangs up on you.

Everyone likes to say it gets better to comfort you. But no one likes to tell you it gets worse. You use laughs to survive. You distract yourself as much as you can to forget the numbness. But you always find yourself asking whatever is up there to kill you in your sleep.

You remember when your sister said she didn’t want to exist. You told her to stop being dramatic. Your parents told her she needed to go outside more and stop watching depressing films. Eight and a half months later when you knocked on her door to t…